Proud to be a Black Man's Daughter...
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
God's Birthday Present...
I’ve tossed and turned for months about whether to delete this blog or hold on a little longer in case I got the urge. Today I just so happen to have gotten that feeling…and all God’s people say, Amen (LOL!)!!
Surprise, surprise…last Thursday I turned the big 3-5, but ironically, in the months and weeks leading up to my birthday I wasn’t really excited about it; at the time, it just seemed like another day absent any sense of significance. Of course I was grateful for my life and thankful for God’s unbelievable favor (which I know I don’t deserve), but besides that I was rather indifferent to the arrival of September 18th. Unlike last years blow-out celebration in Miami, this year I was very much subdued in my thinking about how to acknowledge the day.
When Wednesday night (the 17th) rolled around I felt uneasy, not a bad uneasy but a nervous uneasy…like something beyond normal comprehension was happening somewhere. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it and I can’t even adequately describe the feeling now, but it was so strong that I tossed and turned the entire night unable to sleep. The feeling was so foreign to me that I contemplated for a moment that I might be going crazy, or at the very least I felt perhaps I was having some kind of breakdown. I was full of tears but I wasn’t sad…fearful but not afraid…nervous but confident at the same time. I was having such a conflict with my emotions that I decided prayer was the only answer and even in prayer I couldn’t find the words. I’d start a sentence and stop short because it didn’t make sense. I’d try again and fail to find the right words. And finally I just said (out loud) “Lord I Trust You!” I don’t know where that came from and I don’t remember anything more after that except waking up to the bright morning sunlight of my Born-Day! I am beginning to learn that trust is an interesting concept…
So the morning started off with a swarm of phone calls and text messages from family and friends…Happy Birthday to me!!! I was so thankful for the reminders that I am loved even when I don’t always feel so loving…that there are people who are always in my corner despite myself sometimes. I was humbled but had yet to fully embrace the significance of the day! By 10:00am I was dressed, the house was in order, and I was heading out the door in route for National. As I reared off I395 and got closer to the airport there was suddenly this enormous sense of calm that began to cover me. It was a peace that I hadn’t known prior to that moment…a feeling of complete understanding and appreciation for my life. I didn’t mentally have anymore information then I did before, but there was a knowing presence inside of me that made my eyes fill with tears. As I approached the baggage claim area I was so caught up in my moment that I actually passed the American Airlines exit LOL!! But as I pulled over and looked back in my rear view mirror I realized for the first time, the true meaning of September 18, 2008. The unexplainable feeling I was struggling with, the apprehension surrounding the day…all of those feelings left my spirit in that split second and I knew that the man walking towards me would be the rest of my life!!
For those of you who know me, you know that being here and feeling the way I do was not an easy journey for me. I’ll admit that I ran from and pushed away more then my fair share of possibilities. Many of you thought I was crazy because of it (and maybe I was), but in that one moment on my birthday I realized for the first time that I’d never made one mistake, that all the running I did in the past was leading me and preparing me for where I am today. This place that I always thought I’d never see or understand had finally found me. Finally, without fear or hesitation, I can say to anyone willing to listen that I am in love with the man of my dreams!!
He’s amazing, sensitive, caring, considerate, thoughtful, brilliant, talented, GORGEOUSLY HANDSOME, witty, laid-back and ridiculously cool, but he’s not perfect (like I was waiting for LOL), which is what I think I love most! He’s the simple to my chaos, he’s the quiet that calms my storm, he’s the rational to my insanity, and the peace to my rage, he is everything I am not, yet everything I aspire to be. He reminds me everyday that God’s love and forgiveness is real and that if we are patient enough and if we have just an ounce of faith, prayers are answered and dreams do come true.
This year I receive the best birthday present I have ever received in my 35 years of life. And I am not referring to the gift of someone else’s love…rather I find myself most thankful for the gift of being able to finally love someone else…totally, completely, and unconditionally! I TRUST GOD…and I trust and respect the love He is allowing me to experience…
Happy Birthday to Me!!!
Peace and Love,
Roycee!
Surprise, surprise…last Thursday I turned the big 3-5, but ironically, in the months and weeks leading up to my birthday I wasn’t really excited about it; at the time, it just seemed like another day absent any sense of significance. Of course I was grateful for my life and thankful for God’s unbelievable favor (which I know I don’t deserve), but besides that I was rather indifferent to the arrival of September 18th. Unlike last years blow-out celebration in Miami, this year I was very much subdued in my thinking about how to acknowledge the day.
When Wednesday night (the 17th) rolled around I felt uneasy, not a bad uneasy but a nervous uneasy…like something beyond normal comprehension was happening somewhere. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it and I can’t even adequately describe the feeling now, but it was so strong that I tossed and turned the entire night unable to sleep. The feeling was so foreign to me that I contemplated for a moment that I might be going crazy, or at the very least I felt perhaps I was having some kind of breakdown. I was full of tears but I wasn’t sad…fearful but not afraid…nervous but confident at the same time. I was having such a conflict with my emotions that I decided prayer was the only answer and even in prayer I couldn’t find the words. I’d start a sentence and stop short because it didn’t make sense. I’d try again and fail to find the right words. And finally I just said (out loud) “Lord I Trust You!” I don’t know where that came from and I don’t remember anything more after that except waking up to the bright morning sunlight of my Born-Day! I am beginning to learn that trust is an interesting concept…
So the morning started off with a swarm of phone calls and text messages from family and friends…Happy Birthday to me!!! I was so thankful for the reminders that I am loved even when I don’t always feel so loving…that there are people who are always in my corner despite myself sometimes. I was humbled but had yet to fully embrace the significance of the day! By 10:00am I was dressed, the house was in order, and I was heading out the door in route for National. As I reared off I395 and got closer to the airport there was suddenly this enormous sense of calm that began to cover me. It was a peace that I hadn’t known prior to that moment…a feeling of complete understanding and appreciation for my life. I didn’t mentally have anymore information then I did before, but there was a knowing presence inside of me that made my eyes fill with tears. As I approached the baggage claim area I was so caught up in my moment that I actually passed the American Airlines exit LOL!! But as I pulled over and looked back in my rear view mirror I realized for the first time, the true meaning of September 18, 2008. The unexplainable feeling I was struggling with, the apprehension surrounding the day…all of those feelings left my spirit in that split second and I knew that the man walking towards me would be the rest of my life!!
For those of you who know me, you know that being here and feeling the way I do was not an easy journey for me. I’ll admit that I ran from and pushed away more then my fair share of possibilities. Many of you thought I was crazy because of it (and maybe I was), but in that one moment on my birthday I realized for the first time that I’d never made one mistake, that all the running I did in the past was leading me and preparing me for where I am today. This place that I always thought I’d never see or understand had finally found me. Finally, without fear or hesitation, I can say to anyone willing to listen that I am in love with the man of my dreams!!
He’s amazing, sensitive, caring, considerate, thoughtful, brilliant, talented, GORGEOUSLY HANDSOME, witty, laid-back and ridiculously cool, but he’s not perfect (like I was waiting for LOL), which is what I think I love most! He’s the simple to my chaos, he’s the quiet that calms my storm, he’s the rational to my insanity, and the peace to my rage, he is everything I am not, yet everything I aspire to be. He reminds me everyday that God’s love and forgiveness is real and that if we are patient enough and if we have just an ounce of faith, prayers are answered and dreams do come true.
This year I receive the best birthday present I have ever received in my 35 years of life. And I am not referring to the gift of someone else’s love…rather I find myself most thankful for the gift of being able to finally love someone else…totally, completely, and unconditionally! I TRUST GOD…and I trust and respect the love He is allowing me to experience…
Happy Birthday to Me!!!
Peace and Love,
Roycee!
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
I Dunno...
I'm just need to be honest, BUSY AS SHYT YA'LL...but trust and know that I read when I can and I am glad to know that all my folks are still out there rockin!!!
Love Life and Live it to the Fullest
Peace and Blessings,
Roycee...
Love Life and Live it to the Fullest
Peace and Blessings,
Roycee...
